Nerves. Crushes. Roommates.

"Emily Blanton, I love you too much to hate you."

This is my night. At least so far.

It is a well known secret among my friends....

That is how many great stories start. Am I right? The writer knows something the reader does not and later in the story things turn and the reader knows more. Well, I wish this story were like that, but rather than you be the reader and I the writer I would prefer to be both. At least I would know what is coming.

However that is not how real life stories go, is it?

Have you ever liked something so much you disliked it and liked it at once? Maybe a love-hate relationship. Like a lactose person and ice cream. You love it so much that you eat it but you hate the effect.

I have that type of relationship, only with talking to people. Not meeting them, that part is easier. I have trouble with talking to them. I always worry that I bore them. That I talk too much. That I feel awkward in silence while they do not. There is a fine balancing act of conversation, a wonderful blend of speech and non-speech.

Which to use?

I wish I could see in the future, to know what will happen. but then wouldn't the future be different? Since I would know I would have to recreate all instances leading up to it exactly? That and wishes are like the wind, you can feel them but never will you see them truly.

The desire to know what the future holds is like holding a doubled edged sword. Either way you will get cut.

Wounds from the desire to know and the pain of not knowing.

Gashes, scrapes, bruises from the fear of the unknown.

Hurt from the known.

Anger from the chance to change it.

Giving up is the hardest thing I've ever had to contemplate doing. I know many say giving up is the cheaters way out, that you gain nothing, that you are a wimp. Well when it comes to giving up your personal ideas, wants, and feelings up to God it is the hardest thing.

It is hard for me to know that he is there. That is he is listening. Hard to hear, hard to see. I feel like I follow an invisible God. I know he is there, but do I know in my inner self? I know I know... but do I really know?

My existential quandary for today. Any insights?

~Carollela~