Hi! I'm Caroll. I'm a...

If you were to introduce yourself to me, how would you do it? Would you tell me you're the oldest of 7 kids? Would you tell me you are the owner of a store, the CEO of a big business, a bum? How would you describe yourself to me in the short time you have for an introduction. Because really people base their opinions on you off of the first few minutes. Did you complain, yell, laugh, tell them on and on about your kids?

Where do you find your sense of self, your sense of worth?

Just the other day mom and I were talking to a lady who is going through some difficult things and because of it she is, in her own words, 'soul searching.' She is in her early 40's and worried because she's realizing she doesn't know who she is or where she is going. She's worried because it seems like everyone else has their shit together by her age, or even by mine. But here's the thing I've learned from my mom: you are always learning who you are. As dynamic people we are always changing.

You know how as a little kid you hated peas and carrots and would do anything to avoid them? But now, since you're older, you don't pick them out of your ramen, or maybe you put them in anything you can. Your taste profile had changed, well as you grow **you** change. Things about you. Stuff you liked, dreams, passions. As you learn new skills your interests change.

The lady we talked to also brought up something she'd read. In one of the European countries (I think she vaugely remembered it being Sweden, but I'm not sure) they don't introduce themselves the same way we do in America. Here we say "Hi, I'm Caroll and I go to Uni." Instead they say "Hi, I'm Caroll. I'm a painter." They introduce themselves with a hobby or interest, something they are passionate about. This gives them something to converse about and that way you get to know the other person better even just by saying hello.

So don't worry, we are all still finding ourselves. Make it a journey and have fun trying things out. Maybe one day you'll introduce yourself as a 'wanderer' and the next you decide you are a 'tea lover.' There may be one word or there may be 10 but find what describes you and make it your own.

Hi! I'm Caroll and I'm a searcher.

Winter Blues

"Don't need money, don't need fame. I just want to make a change. I just wanna change. I know exactly what I want and who I want to be..." - Marina & the Diamonds, "Oh No"

It seems that every time something good happens, every time I have something going for me.... that one integral piece is removed from the Jenga puzzle that is my precarious life. It is easy to get discouraged. So easy it is scary. Just a slight change in the lighting in the room, a small shift in the weather or a difference in dynamics in your life makes all the difference. 

I don't remember the first time I realized I was old enough to make adult decisions. Maybe I've been making them for so long I can't tell, or perhaps I just ignore the decisions and focus on the simplicity of being a 23 year old child still living under my parents roof. Whatever the change, I now find myself questioning who I am, where I am in life and where I want to go more than ever.

I just graduated so I guess these feelings are warranted. Every graduate goes through this at some point, right? If you are one of the special kids who has *always* known what you want to do, where you want to go and after you graduate do not question your degree and the last 16+ years of your life... PRAISE GOD. You sir/mam are blessed. But there are so many of us who are confused, questioning and worried.

Everyone says college is a time to transition to adult life, you've heard that before right? Screw it, the people who say that just want to reaffirm themselves because they too are scared and cannot pick a direction to walk in. College may have some aspects of adulthood:

• Choices in college stick with you
• You are dependent upon yourself to pass. You may cheat or scheme but ultimately passing and getting a grade is all on you and your effort. (Your effort to find someone to cheat from or your hard work.)
• It costs a shit ton of money. Even public universities! Ugh. 
• These people, the ones you interact with... won't always be the people around you.

But anyone who says that college is adulthood but a "safer" way to explore it is a poop-head and should come talk to me. College is something different than High School; but the drama, catty attitudes, hard homework, procrastination, safety net of parents and practically free food are still the same. 

                                        ----------------------------------------------------

Life is a balancing act. Do you pay the bills or do you buy that tub of ice cream because you feel like bawling while watching a Psych marathon? Okay so maybe not the best examples but whatever. 

I just need to wait, pray and wait some more. I'm not the most patient of people but all this waiting is making me anxious. I worry more about the littlest things because I've got nothing to do. Discouragement comes in the form of a large gas giant that rises everyday and wakes me from uncomfortable sleep. (Uncomfortable because I am a stinking old lady with all my aches.)

God - Please just let something change already, doing nothing feels so... empty.

-Carollela-

End of College Thoughts

My college career is ending. Let me repeat that: my college career is ending. Wow. It still hasn't really set in yet but Wednesday is my last day of finals and consequently my last day of my Bachelors Degree. After 4.5 years I will be finally be receiving the paper that is the key to the start of my adult life. Don't get my wrong, at 22 I am an "adult" but I still live with my parents and I am still in school. I am not living on my own and dealing with the difficulties of bills and jobs and life.

I've been thinking about life after graduation a lot recently. What am I going to do? Live? Job?
I have come up with a small list of things that I need to think about but on top of those, which are simple life things, I've been thinking about where I want to live.

My goal this "semester" of my life is to apply for work and make some tentative plans for where I want to go. It's difficult but it needs to be done.

What I'm thinking now is to start up a little coffee/tea shop and crochet my life away. Help people out, maybe small classes for teaching about tea or crochet. Maybe even be a substitute teacher while I'm at it. That sounds like a nice, simple and pleasing way to live.

-Carollela-